I've started dreading this time of year. It's not for any concrete reason, just that for the past seven or eight years, I always seem to end up in a funk towards the middle of February on into late March. I know there's such a thing as seasonal affective disorder (SAD), but I'm not going to say that's what it is. I don't know if it's so much the season itself, dread of things I've come to associate with the latter part of the school year plaguing my subconscious mind, backlash from the creative high during the holidays, or a combination of things. I just know it's a pain to deal with every late winter.
Making sure I get plenty vitamins and minerals helps. Opening the curtains and blinds all over the house to let in as much sunshine as possible helps too unless it's one of those odd days where a migraine looms. (Then all that light just hurts, but those are thankfully few and far between these days.) Upbeat music can help a too if the girls have finished their schoolwork.
Still, there are days where all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep all day. Maybe it is the weather, especially cold and rainy days. There's just something about the sound of rain hitting the roof that makes you want to laze about in bed. But even the warmer, sunny days can be full of an inexplicable bone deep weariness. It makes no sense. I'm rarely plagued by insomnia anymore. By all rights, I ought to be "bright eyed and bushy tailed," yet I slog through a haze no amount of caffeine and sleep can dissipate.
Please pardon. I don't mean any of this as whining or to sour anyone's mood. I'm writing it out to try and understand. I have so many things I need and want to do. My mind is fairly bursting with ideas, but the execution alludes me. Some days, I have good focus and manage to get a good chunk of my daily to do list done. Others, like a couple weeks ago, my brain bubbles like a pot boiling over. I have more energy, but I can't seem to get anything done for getting distracted by the slightest thing. One of those days where you spend the whole day cleaning, but your house looks even worse by the end of it because each chore is only half finished.
Even then, I do better with chores than trying to write. Have you ever read a piece of stream of consciousness literature? At the best of times, it's like trying to follow the ball in a tennis match from a few hundred yards away. When I get like this, either nothing makes it to the page at all, or it's like trying to follow the same tennis match played with a ping pong ball and sped up a few dozen times.
I've tried SSRIs in the past. They helped with the "sleepies," but they made the episodes with lack of focus more or less permanent when I was on them. I've tried meditation, and I found it to be more helpful than not. Like the things I listed above, it "takes the edge off" for a couple hours. I've tried adjusting my diet and exercise routines, reorganizing everything in my life, trying to talk it out, and a laundry list of other things. And I'm coping better now than I did the first couple years, but I'm so tired of just coping for the better part of two or even sometimes three months. I'm sick of feeling so pathetic and useless all winter long. I want my drive back year round!
Have any of you felt the same? What worked for you? I'd seriously love to hear. I'm all ears.