February 10, 2009

Setting the Goals

Yesterday I wrote about feeling like I've lost Amanda to Mommy and my intentions toward retrieving her from the trash, but I didn't get into exactly how I'm planning to do so.

Truth be told, I ran out of blogging time and yesterday's post was beginning to turn into a monster anyway. So, I decided to post my goals today.

There are four areas I want to work on to start uncovering a little of Amanda again.

1) My marriage. - Children can be both a blessing and a strain on a marriage. Hubby and I are both so blessed to have Boo and Sneak in our lives, but I have to admit, we do have a lot more stress nowadays. We're always busy juggling care for the girls and responsibilities for work, and there's very little time left over to just be a couple, especially when you consider how difficult it is to get a willing babysitter for a toddler and infant as opposed to just a toddler.

There's nothing I can really do about the babysitting situation, so more frequent date nights are unlikely until the girls get a little older. However, I know there are a few little things Hubby and I can do to work on our relationship.

For one, we can make a point of eating dinner at the table instead of in the living room, even if our VCR no longer works for actual recording thanks to this digital transition malarkey, and we never get a chance to catch up online. We can take a few minutes to sit and talk without having to scream over the girls' hoots and hollers between getting them to bed and getting ready ourselves.

I can try to get over my TV hangups and stick in one of the children's DVDs to entertain the girls for a half hour and sneak off with Hubby now and again too.

2) My spiritual self. - I wouldn't say my faith has faltered, but I'm ashamed to say it's showing signs of neglect. I don't remember passages, or even the basic stories, so well these days. And it's awful how you can want to hurry through saying a prayer of thanks before a meal because, "The baby's already getting fussy, and I just wanted at least two bites of still warm food before I had to shove my plate away again!"

So, I'm making a commitment to pick up the Bible and read every day. I pledge to sing songs of praise to soothe the baby when she's fussing, and I'm trying to finish the chore I started while she was playing happily on her own. Finally, I commit to saying a prayer when I'm getting frustrated by being pulled in five different directions at once.

3) My health. - I'm not sure why, but my health took a steep nosedive once I became pregnant with Boo. I've had nine ear infections, somewhere around twelve sinus infections, staff that hung around for nine months, several colds, unexplained bouts of vertigo so bad I had to crawl, all sorts of issues with tendons and muscle spasms, thrown my back out twice, and countless other minor infections over the course of the past three years.

I fell into the trap of unhealthy eating during my first pregnancy, and I know it's part of my health dilemma. I gained far too much weight, and try as I might, I've yet to take off much over the last two and a half years. My diet improved greatly during my second pregnancy, largely because all the unhealthy foods I craved during the first were aversions so strong I couldn't even say the name. (I still have to look the other way when I'm in the grocery store, and Sneak will be seven months on Monday!)

So, I'm working on cutting mindless snacking when bored and/or blue and committing to at least fifteen minutes of exercise a day. (I'm planning on gradually upping the time as I regain strength.) I've swapped from artificial sweeteners back to natural sugar since I tested as insulin resistant during my last pregnancy. I'm weaning myself off the five cups of coffee I've been using to keeping myself going past weeks and substituting fruit and herb teas used to improve the immune system.

4) My appearance. - The picture I posted yesterday was actually one of maybe twenty pictures with me in it taken in the last three years. Yes, I actively try to avoid cameras, or at least hide behind the girls as much as possible. I HATE the way I look.

The biggest thing is the weight. I've been trying to get it off to no avail the past few years, though switching from artificial sweeteners to regular sugar or honey seems to be helping. I'm below 200 pounds for the first time since Boo was born.

Then there's my complexion, my limp yet frizzy hair that keeps falling out by the handful, and clothes that are worn out and don't fit quite right.

I was given a facial mask recipe I'm trying out. It's supposed to be moisturizing and help with blemishes. We'll see. Plus there's the need to destress, which should help with my complexion and the hair falling out thing as well. Writing's always been an effective stress reliever for me.

The clothes I see little point with until I've lost at least the first fifteen pounds or so, since trying to shop for anything to cover myself currently results in extreme anger.


  1. I know how you feel about losing yourself to "mommy." I have an autistic daughter and so much of my life is dedicated to her. I am also trying to find me again

  2. Hubby actually works with students with autism and various learning issues, so I have at least some idea of the demands. I know it has to be hard.

    Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you'll come again. We mommies have to stick together.

  3. I don't personally know what's it like to have a child with autism but I admire the amount of patience and time it must take to be one!